Wednesday, August 28, 2019

How I became a bully, how I acted out, plus how I turned my life around

I am DONE protecting my abusers.

Lives are at stake. So, I write with the rawest honesty I know.

Part 1 of my series "This Recovering Alcoholic and Reformed Bully's Open Letters of Healing" is Secretly Brainwashed to Bully and Troll 

Do you have people in your face daily, saying hateful things to you, making you feel horrible about yourself? Do they tell you no one will ever love you because you are useless and stupid? I can relate; I know what that feels like. 

Having been in recovery for over twenty-eight years, my goal is to share my experiences in the hope others will see how to get past their shame or any negative emotions keeping them from getting help.

What I cover here are my experiences in living with those overwhelming problems and how I have gotten better. I have been there. I battled those demons and have put them behind me.

As a child tormented by my sadistic, psychopath mother and her two goons until I faced their festering wounds in my soul, I developed Amnesia, Clinical Depression, Complex PTSD, and more.

My abusers pummeled me with hatred, terrorizing me into silence.

They trained me to be a bully because they bullied me.  

Parched for human contact, I engaged in sexual activities I knew must be

kept secret. And I took out my blatant rage on innocent victims.

Catapulted into addiction and blinded by unmet needs,  

I guzzled booze because it gave me temporary relief.

Can you relate to my writing?

My self-destructive lifestyle baffled me.  Although I began my recovery in early 1990s,

it would be decades before I experienced genuine happiness.

Now sober since 11-16-2007, it has taken me over six years of hard work to overcome the fears they saturated me in. I have gone from self-loathing to a happy, productive self-esteem.

And like I said, I am done protecting my abusers.

You can donate $1.00 and receive a copy of my eBook within 24 hours. Just donate safely through the Paypal button on the upper right side of this page.

Thank you!!

Sunday, August 4, 2019

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Last updated: August 4, 2019.

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Why I Have 4 Blogs

I started blogging on 10/12/2012 about overeating. The next day I blogged about facing my fears and continued to work on getting past my fears ever since. Also, since then I have been blogging daily about what I am grateful for plus something funny. My sense of humor is one thing I love about myself. Plus, making people laugh makes my day!

Looking back now and going over each blog I write, I see the breath and depth of recovery and how it can impact a person's life. A new life in recovery can feel as though you are in an ocean, barely keeping your head above water. You first tread water slowly to not tire yourself out. But, at some point, you need to get moving and get yourself out of the water. That comes with careful planning.

When I started blogging, I didn't even think about where I would end up. I followed my thoughts because that matters. I realized recently that my thoughts guided me throughout my recovery. Someone in therapy talks about what is on their mind.  So, that is what I did, along with therapy. I worked on what was on my mind, day in and day out.

I began with RecoveryinBalance.HOW  because that is my goal: to recover my distorted self and stay balanced, which is the foundation of any successful life in recovery. As I got stronger, I felt the need to blog and vent about the monsters who raised me. First, I wrote about mother because it began with her. That blog is MyViciousPsychopathMother.

She taught me hatred. As I got through her abuse, as best I could, I realized more and more the role my sisters played in abusing me.

Realizing that my upbringing turned me into a bully, I felt the need to be honest about how dreadfully I behaved to people in my life because I could see how that came about for me. I also knew what it took to stop and turn that hatred into love and compassion. So, was born.

As my thoughts centered more on the benefits I experience from my hard work, I set up my 4th blog:  NurturePersonalGrowth

I want to show how deep and saturating abuse can be for a person, and also how deep and saturating recovery needs to be for that person to heal and thrive, slowly over time.

Saturday, August 3, 2019

My 4th Blog: NurturePersonalGrowth

My focus for this blog is to show as best I can the benefits I experience from my life in recovery, hoping others will see they can benefit in their own lives too.

As I got through the burdens from my childhood, I began to feel better. That process was slow, but it was steady as I continued to tackle what hurt me.

Looking back, I can see the natural healing process replacing what was dark and negative with happiness and hope.

That hope has carried me through the difficult times that showed up in my life. That is inevitable; life happens. But, when it happened to me, my response was worlds away from how I had responded in the past.

Yes, I still felt pain, but I knew firsthand how to get through it and move it behind me, learning from it.

With that, I kept myself moving forward. And with the healing that came with it, my true "me" started showing up.

That "me" is what I want people to see. I still have a lot of work ahead of me; I know that.

Therefore, I choose to live my life as a responsible adult, doing what I love: with vivid and clean writing showing the spectacular benefits of recovery and how to get there. 


My 3rd Blog: InspireBullyStop *TRIGGER WARNING*

Being a reformed bully, I understand how I became a bully in the first place.

Bullies are raised; no question.

My life proves that.

I also know how I acted out and what it took for me to get better.
I did not know I was bullying people. In my abused mind, I thought as I was told by my family.

My victim's behavior made me react how I did. Therefore, it was not my fault.

Now, I know I was raised to be co-dependent. No matter what the expense was to me,
I had to make sure others got their needs met first because I did not matter.

First, I was my mother's and two sister's victim; they're abusing me taught me to bully others. 

I have worked hard to get to where I am now.

These two things are important for me to achieve: helping others by writing about my monstrous, violent background plus how I turned my life around.

My life experiences are not unique and I strive to increase awareness around them, including the taboo topics.

I choose to live my life as a responsible adult, doing what I love: with vivid and clean writing showing the spectacular benefits of recovery and how to get there.

My 2nd Blog: MyViciousPsychopathMother *TRIGGER WARNING*

I began my second blog as I felt stronger and was ready to speak up about the abuse my mother started.

Almost my entire childhood is a blank; that is how monstrous and severe the abuse was, plus, I am learning disabled from it.

With three adults ganging up on my routinely, I as the youngest, stood no chance against them. They are my mother (who is deceased) and my two sisters.
The link to this blog is beneath the screenshot.

Alt="My vicious psychopath mother blog screenshot."

`The people who abused me threatened me into terrified silence to never breathe a word of their cruelty. That pounded into my head from childhood, it overshadowed my life.

On my first blog RecoveryinBalance.HOW, I wrote about my fears to overcome them. I knew facing and accepting them for what they were was the key to get rid of them. They were a huge part of my reality and I was tired of dealing with them.

Once I felt strong enough, I contacted KSDK Channel 5 in St. Louis and asked them if they wanted to interview a reformed bully and internet troll. They said yes.

You can see my interview here:
Not long after that, an article about my trolling was published by the Daily Mail 
Once I got that out of my system, I continued to feel better. I felt braver. I knew with every passing day I was ready to reveal the monstrosities my family burdened me with so many years ago.

When I found out my mother was a sadistic, cruel psychopath, my upbringing made sense. I got the answers to questions that haunted me. I wasn't the problem.
Abused as a little child by the three people I should have been able to trust, they brainwashed me into believing I was unlovable and defective. Their abuse was so extensive I have Complex PTSD, Clinical Depression, and Traumatic Amnesia. I am brain damaged because of that. I have flunked out of two universities because of that. Plus, it made me the perfect target for incest and sexual abuse.

I have worked hard to get better.

 I chose to live my life as a responsible adult, doing what I love: with vivid and clean writing showing the spectacular benefits of recovery and how to get there. 

My 1st Blog: RecoveryinBalance.HOW

I cover my abusive childhood, my addiction and self-destructive behavior
plus a lot of healing.

So you will see positive writing and also a lot of *Trigger Warnings*.

The link to it is below the screenshot: screenshot for inspirebullystop

I chose to live my life as a responsible adult, doing what I love: with vivid and clean writing showing the spectacular benefits of recovery and how to get there.