Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Guilty of Trolling

 Many years ago, in the privacy of my home and online, I trolled. Full of rage, I degraded myself.

I blamed anyone and everyone I could for the wretchedness and misery I stagnated in.  I worked very hard to hide that behavior from my in person life, keeping it secret. I learned the cost of exposure at a very early age; it petrified me.

I see trolling today and I wonder what it fueling them. Now I know what fueled me.

I am finding my writing voice and am developing this personal essay which I will post at a later date. I hope you are wondering why I am sharing this vile behavior.

It is because I faced my viciousness and the toxic poison that fueled it. It is completely resolved and ended.

I hope others will find within themselves the courage to do the same. 

Friday, July 17, 2015

How This Abused Child Ended Up a Drunk

I learned terror, fear, shame and how to stuff all of my emotions from my family of origin . All of them, I was not allowed to express myself. I understand how I became rebellious, I was never allowed to fully be myself. What I wanted to do, or how I wanted to look, even what I wanted to study were all less than inferior, stupid and insignificant. If I did not support my mother's false and exponentially inflated picture she wanted to present to the outside world, I was bullied, criticized and punished.

I am determined to remember as much of my background as possible. Sometimes I sit and cry; I have no idea what I am crying about. I have read that people block out traumatic memories because they are so horrible. That trauma is so great that it is hidden because it can not be processed.

I understand that. My mother was a sadistic and cruel psychopath. To this day I struggle with accepting how violent and unrelenting she was in her poisonous rule over her household. She even had a hand bell at her bedside that she would ring whenever she wanted something. We had to stop whatever we were doing and find out what she wanted.

I remember one occasion where I was studying. She harped endlessly on getting an education but it had to be in the subjects she approved of. Her degree was in Literature.I fell in love with Sciences at a very early age and I want to go to Medical School. She was never once supportive of what I wanted to do. So I am studying and I hear her bell. I went to see what the hell she wanted. She was in her bed typing. She had her typewriter set up so she could sit in her bed and work on her writing. Well, I go in and find out she can't see her clock. Said clock was about 3 feet from her bed. She interrupted me and my studying because she was to lazy to walk 3 feet to turn her clock around.

I was FURIOUS! I told her to move it herself, I turned around and went back to my room.

I drank because I had no idea what was buried so deep inside me. I did not know how to get relief from that horrid unforgiving pain so I drank for relief. Drinking and getting drunk provided me for a break from the turmoil raging inside. That break was never sufficient; I needed to drink harder and get drunker. I would stay caught up in that cycle for a long time of my life. I drank hard and drove dangerously for roughly 30 years of my life.

Truthfully, I should not be here.

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Shed the Mantle of Shame

Did you know that all behavior is learned? As babies and toddlers, we learn from the people who raise us. We learn family traditions, we learn by imitating behavior and we learn how to face our days.

Children act out the secrets of the family. Whether those secrets are good or bad, productive or defective, that child will take all of that in and they will repeat and imitate what they are taught.

No one can teach us beyond where they are. This is true in any and all subjects.Happy kids learn from happy parents and bullies learn from aggressive parents who bully. The first years of our lives, our personality is getting locked into place. To change anything in our foundation is a huge undertaking and it takes a lot of professional help and hard work to make changes.

Consider this:  What are some of your families traditions? Like your religion or lack of one. Holiday meals or lack of Holiday meals. How you dress, how to decorate your home or gardening. Chances are that there are traditions in most families that can go back for several generations. That is clearly entrenched into the fabric of that family line.

The point I am wanting to make here is that behavior is learned so what we inherit from the people who raised us is due to their influence. ALL behavior is learned, modeled and taught. ALL.OF.IT.


Rage is taught.
Shame is taught.
Anger is taught.
Problem solving is taught.
Fighting is taught.
Abuse is taught.
Humiliation is taught.
Hygiene is taught.
Fear is taught.
Kindness is taught.
Financial skills are taught.
Careless finances are taught.
Getting needs met is taught.
Taking advantage of others is taught.

I could keep going for days on end but I am thinking that you are getting my point.

All behavior that is learned can be unlearned. ALL.OF.IT.

It takes a long time and strong determination and ongoing motivation but honestly, I believe that ALL of us have those capabilities within EACH.AND.EVERYONE.OF.US.

Who taught you be be ashamed? Who taught you to be afraid? Who taught you to bully? Who taught you to fight?

That is poisonous and toxic behavior and is most definitely is NOT in YOUR best interest.
And if they are telling you that you are defective and that you are useless, they are lying.

Get Help, PLEASE.  

Monday, July 13, 2015

Memory Fragments of Child Abuse

Most of my childhood is a very big blank. I can remember snapshots. I remember that we moved a lot, almost every 2 years and I remember going to a lot of different schools. I can not remember one single Christmas or any big family Holiday. Not Easter, 4th of July, none of them. I remember 2 snapshots of birthdays, one when I turned 13 and the other when I turned 21.

My Daily Gratitude

Today Monday 8/10/2015 I am so very grateful to have my electric on! Very rude loud storms barreled their way through my area last night. I could not get to sleep until close to midnight they were so LOUD! The power flickered twice but came right back on.

Today Saturday 8/8/2015 I am grateful for my upcoming 1st class in school where I will learn about this:
The Essential Guide to Becoming a Master Student.
Goals of the course: The overall goal of this class is to provide the learner with a
better understanding of the learning process to facilitate academic success. 

Today Thursday 8/06/2015 I am grateful for nice weather. Sure, it gets humid and muggy but the Sun comes out pretty much every day and we have no nasty weather or tornadoes in our current forecast. That works for me!

Today Tuesday 8/04/2015 I am grateful for the folks who deliver my mail. All of them seem to be hard workers and have always been kind and polite, even in the nastiest of weather!

Today Monday 8/03/2015 I am grateful for every penny of the income I receive. I would be in very bad shape without it.

Today Sunday 8/02/2015 I am grateful for being able to get a good night's sleep. I used to have what felt like endless problems with insomnia; having gotten through and resolved so much of what fueled my mental illness, insomnia is no longer a problem for me.

Today Saturday 8/01/2015 I am grateful for my apartment complex, the folks who manage it, the maintenance man and the AC repair man who fixed my AC yesterday afternoon. I have lived here for over 6 years and I really enjoy the consistency of dealing with the same folks over the years. I think they do a great job! When something needs to be fixed, they are on it and get it squared away quickly!

Today Friday 7/30/2015 I am grateful for being in recovery. I began my road to recovery in 1990 and I am grateful for all of the healing I have experienced.

Today Thursday 7/30/2015 I am grateful for second chances. I am going back to school and I just can NOT be more excited about that! I am enrolled at SLU in their online Professional Studies program and I can't wait to get started!

Today Wednesday 7/29/2015 I can't believe I brain farted on yesterday! Today I am grateful for being able to understand my background, the ability to process it and to move forward leaving it where it belongs, behind me.

Today Monday 7/27/2015 I am grateful for who I am becoming. After so many decades of my life spent in a miserable fog of alcohol and depression I am beginning to feel that I am finally coming onto my own. I am ready to begin building my life now.

Today Sunday 7/26/2015 I am grateful for crafting. Without my creativity, I think my life would be very dull and colorless.

Today Saturday 7/25/2015 I am grateful for my friends, ALL of them! I am surrounded by loving, kind and positive folks and I am very grateful for that!

Today Friday 7/24/2015 I am grateful for each and every day I wake up and have a day to look forward to! My payday is coming plus I am going back to college and I am over the moon about that!

Today Thursday 7/23/2015 I am grateful for being able to learn. I am capable mentally plus having access to the Internet plus local libraries opens up endless possibilities for me to indulge in learning whatever I want.

Today Wednesday 7/22/2015 I am grateful for having the ability for self-reflection. That coupled with my work in recovery has saved me from myself.

Today Tuesday 7/21/2015 I am grateful for my hair. It is healthy. I am happy with my natural color and its texture.

Today Monday 7/20/2015 I am grateful for everything I have. I have a roof over my head, clothing to wear, income coming in, wonderful friends, enough to eat. I have health problems but I manage.

Today Sunday 7/19/2015 I am profoundly grateful for the fact that I have CHOICES.

Today, Saturday 7/18/2015, I am grateful for the folks who manage and do the repairs for the apartment where I live, I have lived here for a little over 6 years and I love the consistency. I find that to be comforting.

Today, Friday 7/17/2015 I am grateful for every opportunity I have to improve my skills so I can truly be productive and achieve one of my most important goals: To be Self-Sufficient. I have access to the information I need online plus I am going back to school to get my degree on August 17th, 2015. That is one month from today. Look out, World!! HERE I COME!

Today, Thursday 7/16/2015 I am grateful for my sobriety. I have a long and messy drinking career behind me after finally getting the help I needed to get and actually stay sober. I have been happily sober since 11/16/2007.

Today Wednesday, 7/15/2015, I am grateful for my health. I have a lot of health problems but I know I could be in much worse shape than I am now. I am profoundly thankful for that!

Today, Tuesday 07/14/2015 I am grateful for being able to learn. I thirst for knowledge daily and I am grateful that I can and for all of the resources at my fingertips.

Today, Monday 7/13/2015 I am grateful to be an American. I have lived in a 3rd world country and I am very grateful to be an American living on American soil. Living here, I was able to get the help I needed for so many years of my life. Honestly, if I had lived in a country where there was not such access to valuable resources I would have committed suicide a long time ago. I have absolutely no question about that. I would have not made it this far in my life. I am profoundly grateful for that.

Today, Sunday 7/12/2015 I am grateful for the Internet. I can do so much because of it plus I learn a lot as well. Learning is like breathing to me; if I can't learn new things I wilt.

Today, Saturday 7/11/2015 I am grateful for COFFEE. As silly as that sounds, I LOVE my coffee and I drink coffee every single day. I am grateful for my caffeine!

Today, Friday 7/10/2015 I am grateful for my life and for where I am today. I have worked very hard to get here and I am optimistic and excited about where I am headed now.

Saturday, July 11, 2015

How Abusers Groom Their Victims

They control them by extreme punishments, withholding money and affection unless the victims behaves exactly how the abuser demands. They criticize and nitpick them to death and ridicule, shame and humiliate them to force them into submission.

They want complete submission; they want complete control over their victims lives. What the abuser wants is what their victims have to want. What the victims need or desire is stupid, wrong and less than significant. It does not matter to the abuser; they are concerned only with what you can do for them. And, all of the abuse that occurs is not to be told to anyone, never ever never.

They also turn their victims into scapegoats by blaming their victims with anything and everything that goes wrong. Forget about building self-esteem or confidence around abusers; their goal is to completely strip you of your identity, desires, wants and needs. They don't care what you are doing, you have to stop and meet their needs.

This behavior occurs TODAY and every day. Domestic violence has many faces. Those faces can represent any age, any race, any nationality.

I am done with hiding because I was bullied into silence. That part of my life is over. I will never hide again.

Differences Poverty, Clinical Depression, Alcoholism, Morbid Obesity and Disability Can Make

These are a couple of pics of what I looked like before the toll of Clinical Depression, Alcoholism, Morbid Obesity, poverty and being disabled affected my appearance. Please, remember that I am not alone in this effect, this happens to millions of people globally on a daily basis. Stress shows up on our faces, I believe that that is common knowledge.

This first picture is from Glamour Shots I got done when I worked for a company that did them. This would be mid 1980ies.

My driver's license from several years later.

This is from about a month ago:

I am now 58 years old. This is what I look like today.

I began my road to recovery in 1990. To say that most of my life has been sheer hell is a gross understatement.

I have lived in poverty most of my life and I drank heavily and dangerously for over 30 years. I was mostly focused on surviving and not on my appearance as you can see from my pictures. In poverty, you do without most of what you need. As an alcoholic, my focus was on drowning out the depression and problems that had been suppressed for decades of my life. When I became disabled, my focus was on getting through each day as best I could.

This is me at my most morbidly obese, 325 pounds:

I lost 50 % of my body weight a few years back but I gained about half of it back. Today, I weigh 243 pounds.

Different Fabrics Kids Can Wear

Let's say that we are talking about two little kids. One grows up in a loving and nurturing home and the second little girl grows up in an abusive and oppressive environment.

I think it is pretty safe to say that the child in the positive environment does better in life. This child grows up happy and confident, well-liked in school and full of hopes and realistic goals with all the support from their family and friends they need. When problems appear, the family resolves these problems as a family and they move forward together. The parents and older family members model healthy positive problem solving skills so the children see those models and they learn to make that behavior their very own; it becomes second nature to them. They adopt those behaviors and implement them in their very own lives effortlessly. They face their lives happy and productively knowing that their family has their back. They know that their family will supports their decisions and encourage them to follow and explore their interests. In these families, the kids come first. How the children are raised is of utmost importance and the parents take this very seriously.

So, if this child were to adopt a mantle of love about themselves, I think it would look something like this:

This mantle is part of this child's behavior, in this spirit, this child goes about their life full of confidence and true soul sustaining fulfillment. Having their needs met appropriately, this child grows into a nurturing adult who can seek a mate with similar qualities and they easily pass this skills down to their children and these qualities affect generations to come.

That description I have just set up is not fairy tale; I know families who behave this way. I know flesh and blood families who are this way. They are human and when they make mistakes they apologize and keep moving forward stronger than before. When tragedy hits which it will do, they manage it the best they can together supporting one another and emerge stronger still. To witness this first hand in my day to day life is a blessing for me. It has healed me so very much and I feel privileged to witness it first hand.

Now, let's look at the child who grows up in an environment of abuse, neglect and violence. This child barely gets their needs met. They have a roof over their head and food to eat but the emotional needs this child needs to thrive are absent. This child does not hear positive feedback, they are shamed and humiliated. There is nothing they can do that the family members approve of. When they misbehave, the punishments are abusive and extreme. This child is banished to their room for weeks on end; beatings are frequent.  Holidays are a nightmare, all abuse that happens inside this home has to be hidden from outsiders and the children are threatened with violence if they breathe a word of it to anyone. The children are compared one against the other which results in constant fighting and bickering. The adults are unstable and cause the kids to act out inappropriately.

This is one of the ways that bullies are made. The children learn from the behavior they witness. If there is no one to show them how to achieve, guess what? They won't learn it until they can sit down and work through the issues they were burdened with from their family of origin and learn new behavior.

Kids raised in ugly homes become addicts quickly. They can suffer with depression, neediness and promiscuity. They have the same needs that every single one of us has but no one taught them how to manage those needs. When you are parched for water, how rational can you be?

So if abused kids had their own fabric, it could look something like this:

How successful do you think this kid is going to be? It is no surprise to me that depression is exhausting. Think about how much emotional weight carrying around years upon years of abuse can translate into.

It is crushing. It is debilitating. In some cases, it is fatal.

Thursday, July 9, 2015

The Huffington Post is looking for Survivors

This article showed up on my Facebook feed a couple of weeks ago:

We Are Seeking Stories of Survival

This is my submission I am sending them:

I survived a sadistic psychopath mother with narcissistic tendencies. That is her clinical diagnosis by my psychotherapist. My background and why I was failing consistently began to make sense. The environment I was raised in trained me to be self-loathing, promiscuous, needy, insecure and self-destructive. It catapulted me into Alcoholism. I flunked out of college and drifted from job to job, man to man, financial crises to financial crises. That terrified drunk she turned me into was her influence; who I am today is my choice. I say this as a measure of accountability and not of blame.
Desperate for relief from my chaotic, dangerous and unproductive lifestyle, I began my long road to recovery in 1990. I had no idea what lay ahead of me. I also had no idea the toll my upbringing was having on my health.

Currently, I live in poverty and am resolving my Clinical Depression. I am disabled, morbidly obese and happily sober since 11-16-2007. This is my blog:

I share the aspects of my life in an effort to increase awareness on these topics I live every day. I am writing a book about my background and how I conquered alcoholism. I face the fallout from my upbringing almost daily but it is so much easier than it was before I faced those inherited demons I never asked for. I work very hard to face and accept all issues I am aware of to cripple and remove them completely. It has been a very long and complicated journey but I am fully committed to doing my absolute best to recover as much as is humanly possible. I am done with suffering; now my focus is on achieving using my skills and talents that I am no longer afraid of or reluctant to show.

I am thrilled to be enrolled in St. Louis University for this fall in their online program. My current focus is to polish my writing skills to the very best of my ability. I am determined to get myself out of poverty and support myself. I am told that my life story is a very powerful one that needs to be told. I take that very seriously. I have learned valuable life skills in recovery. I want to share my knowledge and experiences. I know that there are millions just like me and I hope that something I write will help them and give them hope. I want people to know this:

 Joy and peace of mind is available to allof us.

The damaging behavior our abusers pummeled us with can be unlearned and replaced with healthy productive behavior. Life tragedies can make you stronger. A happy successful life is possible for any who choose the path of recovery.

What would my advice be? Accept what you are feeling and move forward. Our feelings provide us with the best direction possible. Trust your feelings and follow your heart.

Saturday, July 4, 2015

Baking with My Bread Machine

I love to experiment and I get to a lot with my baking. I came across a great deal on this bread machine so it came home with me. I enjoy finding recipes and playing around with them.

The one I use the most is this one:
3/4 cup of water or milk
1 tablespoon of oil
1 tablespoon of honey
1 tablespoon of gluten
1 cup of white bread flour
1 cup of whole wheat flour
1 1/2 teaspoon bread machine yeast

I add it to my machine adding the liquids first then the dry ingredients. I set my machine for 2 hours and 15 minutes.

This is this recipe in my machine:

I like to change up the recipe. For example, I will use cold coffee for the liquid and I will add some instant coffee crystals. Or raisins or nuts are added from time to time. There are kazillions of variations that can be used. Chocolate bread is another possibility among many many more. 

If I want white bread for grilled cheese sandwiches, I'll add 2 cups of white flour and garlic salt and shredded cheese. It tastes great with pasta. 

I highly recommend using a bread machine, you get to select the flavours and ya never know when you'll discover a new fav recipe! Plus is smells AMAZING while it is baking! 

Happy Baking!