Saturday, June 27, 2015

Why This Bully Bullied

It was what I learned in the environment I was raised in. I can't call it a home although that is what it looked like to others. It never was a home of any kind whatsoever, at no point in time. No matter how many times we moved which we did almost every 2 years like clockwork. I don't think I know why exactly we moved so often. My mother was a pathological liar so under no circumstances could what came out of her mouth be trusted. Never. At. Any. Point. In.Time.

We have very serious problems with bullies in our world today. I bet that there are millions more instances we don't hear about. It's a huge problem and I am pretty sure all of us know people who are being bullied because bullies are everywhere. They are not only in our schools, they are in our churches, businesses, doctor's offices, lawyer's offices and in every walk of life.

Being a bully is a state of mind with outward aggression. It is also learned behavior. All bullies learned to bully from a bully. I am not saying that bullies can't be born, I am saying that the behavior we develop is learned in our childhoods. Unless we sit down and honestly face ourselves and commit to changing that behavior, it will remain unchanged. The longer it stays the same, the worse it gets.

For example, I remember a neighbor girl who I knew when I was about 10 I think. Her family lived up the street from us and I think her dad also taught at the same college my mother did. Her mom did not like me, I remember that very clearly. I was a very messed up kid so I am sure she had good reason not to. I remember that there was a 3rd girl with us and we were inside my home. For some reason, I chewed out the little girl who lived up the street. I chewed her out so badly, she burst into tears. I can remember feeling bad about that but I had no idea on how to fix that situation. I did not know how to apologize to someone for hurting them. No one had ever taught me how to.

I want you to bear in mind that most of my childhood is a blank to me. I do not remember one single Christmas morning, no Holidays at all. I remember 2 quick flashes of snapshots of Halloween. The same of my birthday, 2 brief flashes like a snapshot and then nothing else. I remember some class occurrences but no continuity. My recall of my childhood is very very fragmented.

The little girl ran home and I never saw her again. But I remember feeling really bad for having caused her so much pain that I did not know how to avoid. I behaved how the people I grew up with behaved. The tension and the fighting was terrible and it went on for decades.

The abuse that went on at home had to be completely hidden from anyone outside. My mother was physically violent and she game me frequent beatings and very harsh punishments. I remember being confined to my bedroom for 6 weeks because I made a "C" on my reports card. She shamed me and confined me to my room until the next report cards came out 6 weeks later. I could leave my room to use the bathroom and to go to school but that was it. My meals were brought to me on a tray. 6 solid and very long weeks punished confined to my bedroom. It was awful, I longed to go outside to play with the neighborhood kids I could see from my window but I couldn't.

My mother was very sadistic and self-centered to the extreme. I never felt like her daughter, she never once told me that she loved me or that she had my back. She bullied me into shame and embarrassment and if I did not agree with every single thing she said, I would be screamed at and punished. She was impossible to please and she criticized everyone behind their backs. EVERYONE! No one was safe from her, absolutely everyone we knew and encountered she would rip to bloody shreds in the privacy of our home. Now I think I know why she did that. She thought she was superior to everyone else and no one could measure up to her insane standards that were completely unrealistic.

No adults we ever encountered would measure up. How would a little kid who was completely dependent on her for her very survival?

It was no wonder that I turned into a bully; it was modeled and beaten into me by an expert.







2 comments:

  1. I'm sorry to hear how your mom and your upbringing affected your behavior towards some other people unintentionally.

    The most important things are you realized how it affected you, you admitted you made a mistake, and you corrected it.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, mscassiopeia!

      Exactly! And now I can write about it and maybe my writing helps others see that a happy life is still possible! That alone is priceless in my opinion.

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