Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Lies My Mother Taught Me

I am the youngest child of a very nasty sadistic psychopath. True story, I was given her diagnosis in psychotherapy. It is based on how I was raised and my result as a needy, terrified, promiscuous and self-destructive alcoholic. Lucky me, I was screwed from the very second I was conceived. I became the woman I became because of the environment I was raised in. The woman I am today is the result of many years of very hard work, brutal and honest self-reflection and countless hours of psychotherapy.

Believe me when I say that I am grateful on a daily basis that I did not have to stay that way. My life in recovery began in 1990. Currently, I am very happily in my 7th year clean and sober and on 11/16/2015 I will begin my 8th year, just as happily. And on I will continue until I draw my last breath.

I grew up being told that nothing I ever did was good enough. I grew up being told that no one would want me. I grew up being criticized and nitpicked for everything I did. I grew up believing that I was defective and insignificant. I believed that I was invisible and that I had no rights. My mother never told me one time that she loved me or that she was proud of me. She badgered me and pummeled me daily with hateful and profoundly damaging spewed verbiage. I was abused verbally, emotionally and physically. She controlled me by withholding money and affection. I was bullied at school for being smart and bullied at home where no one protected me from her. No one on either side of my family tried to protect me from her.

It is no big secret that child abuse carries that damage for an entire lifetime. Child abuse easily catapults its young innocent and tender victims into a life of depression, rage, addiction and self-destructive behaviors. The hardest issue I processed in psychotherapy was facing and accepting my reality that my own flesh and blood who gave birth to me was a true monster.She never ever loved me for even a second of our life together. It was gut-wrenching but I faced it with the help and guidance of my psychotherapist and I got it resolved and behind me.

When I was in the second grade, we were given aptitude tests and I can remember mother talking to my second grade teacher. My teacher wanted me to go into special classes to develop my skills and mother refused. She said it would do me more harm than good. I remember the reaction and expression of my teacher. She was floored and shocked at mother's answer. The truth is that mother was narcissistic and I presented a threat to her almost nonexistent ego so she eliminated any competition present. She relentlessly trained me to fail and when I did fail, she was even more vicious than before.

My mother taught me horrible lies and pummeled them incessantly into my head. That pummeling provided me with a negative useless and unproductive foundation I attempted to live on but I failed miserably time and time again. I had no idea why everything I tried failed or how to make better decisions for myself. I was promiscuous and I accepted any man who would pay the tiniest amount of attention to me, not knowing how to discern who was safe and who was abusive. I was familiar with controlling behavior and that is what I went after. I was easy prey for controlling and narcissistic men and I would be for most of my life until I got to the point where I could understand why I caved to the controlling and began to stand up for myself and learn to assertively say "NO".







2 comments:

  1. Hello Landon,

    I'm glad that you are on your way to recovery. Reading your post, I realized that we had some similar experiences, but you got it worst. I'm sorry for what you've experienced.
    I do know something, you are stronger, and a wiser person than before because of what you've gone through.
    It was so brave of you to share this.
    Keep up the great work and congratulations on the 8th year. :)

    Cassie

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  2. Hi, Cassie!
    I Thank You for your kind words of encouragement! I am sorry to hear that about you. Isn't it a blessing to know that we can change and move forward from the horrors we've experienced? And what we learn from those events contribute to making us stronger, I believe. I am so grateful for the access I have had and have to the resources I have needed to heal. It scares me to think how I would have ended up if I hadn't.
    Best Wishes Always,
    Landon

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