Thursday, February 28, 2013

Gratitude for 2-28-2013 and Being Surrounded By Miracles

"Today I am grateful for all the miracles that surround me. How our bodies work, how weather works, plants, trees growing, all the miracles of Spring and new life! I know I am leaving so much out that is simply not occurring to me. I believe that everything is a miracle".

I lose weight, I gain weight, I open up my eyes and take in the world around me. I hear peace and quiet, people talking, birds singing, I walk here and there, touch heat, cold, texture, I taste fruit, sugar, I smell wonderful aromas or the worst ones. My hair never fails to grow and my hair colour is consistent. I have only about 2 grey hairs on my head and I have cowlicks on my head. I have 10 fingers and 10 toes and each one has a nail.

My heart beats with no help from me and I am always breathing. I step outside and I feel winter, I can see winter all around me. The trees and plants are showing their winter garb and I don't hear as many birds as I do the other seasons of the year. How do birds know to fly south or where to find food? What is my cat's personality so consistent?

I believe that I am surrounded by miracles!

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Gratitude for 2-27-2013 and Accepting What I Cannot Change

"Today I am grateful for that my emotional life is so much better than it was. I am grateful for being able to feel happy and to look forward to getting up in the morning".

There are so many emotions I want to feel! I know that I am an emotional eater and have realized that when I am bored, I want to eat. I am working on doing something beneficial rather than eating to rid myself of boredom. I know that I have put in place eating comfort foods to help me deal with unpleasant emotions I have experienced over my life time. 

I have been working on separating eating when I am hungry from eating when I am anxious. Some days are better than others I fully admit that. We recently had a bad storm blow through here and I was very anxious about losing power. I have absolutely NO Control over that so I believe I have to work on what I have control over and what I don't have control over and accepting life as it comes. The Serenity Prayer covers that. 

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
--Reinhold Niebuhr

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Gratitude for 2-26-13 and Benefits from Loving People.

"Today I am so grateful for all the wonderful relationships and friendships I have in my life today! My friends when I was drinking and living in chaos were in bad shape just like I was. Today, I have wonderful friendships and relationships with people who are creative, talented, love their families and provide me with so MUCH inspiration!! I am just delighted with the wonderful friendships and relationships I have today, they warm my heart!  I am surrounded by kind and loving people and I am forever grateful for that!"

My life is so very different today. I drank heavily for about 30 years, from the early 1980ies until the day I took my last drink on November 16, 2006. I have been clean and sober since then. It took me a while to be able to recognize and appreciate people who were healthier choices for me and also for me to become a better person so I wasn't chaos driven and desperate for any company I could get my hands on. I can be selective now and take my time in figuring out who I want to be friends with and also learning to not cave and run at the first sign of behaviour that makes me uncomfortable. I am better at rolling with it rather than shutting everyone out and hibernating like I did for so many years. I don't want to hibernate any more, I want to enjoy life and have fun!  And believe me, I am!! I get to create with beads or crochet yarn, fabric, I am getting back into cooking more and doing my best to appreciate the little and the important aspects of my life! And it is a wonderful feeling! Never once did any alcohol or drugs I dabbled with provide me with the happiness I feel every day spending time with my friends either online or in person, the thrill I get when I deliver a custom piece of jewellery. They are wanting to wear MY Designs on their bodies! They pay me to design and make for them beaded jewellery and believe me, it is an HONOR!!!

Monday, February 25, 2013

Gratitude for 2-25-13 and Facing Fears.

"Today I am grateful for recognizing more feelings I eat to protect and being able to journal about them and discuss with my therapist. I am grateful that I have the ability to learn how to make my life better"!

Last night I was trying to figure out why I work at staying fat and I asked myself what does being overweight do for me. I believe that it serves as a buffer for me. Most people ignore me, I don't have to deal with unwanted attention of any kind, I feel that it somehow protects me from criticism but I am ruining my health.  I am ashamed of how I look with no clothes on and I am full of stretch marks. Men I have dated in the past were abusive and controlling and bullied me into submission and feeling dependent on them, I caved. I was afraid to try to manage my life on my own so I caved out of fear instead of standing up for myself or not allowing them space in my life.

I feel like I am afraid of so much!! I have been slowly and as thoroughly as I can addressing and facing those fears. I really am ready to get on with my life and to not be held back by so much fear! It serves no purpose for me, I am not benefiting from it, I want to be bold and courageous about my life!

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Gratitude for 2-24-13 and Sunday Thoughts....

"Today I am grateful for my smoke detectors in my apartment even though they have been BEEPING since last night!! I know they are here to keep me safe and I appreciate that! I am also grateful for the SUN coming out today and hopefully melting the rest of the ice and snow we have here. I am grateful I have my home to be home bound in and that I do not HAVE to get out in this cold mess!"

It could always be worse, I could be without smoke detectors in the first place. 
I am fixing potatoe soup today, it looks delish. 

I called my landladies and I am hoping the smoke detectors will be fixed really soon cos the beeping is obnoxious and I really could do without it!

A lot of the snow has melted which is good. There is some kind of new storm blowing through in a day or so. 

I am so grateful to be nice and warm in my little apartment with my kitty and to not have to get out and drive and be in that! It brings back a lot of memories of the days that  had to!

Anybody watching the Oscars tonight?? I will be for sure! I LOVE Award Shows.

I am not feeling philosophical today so I am out of here. Happy Sunday!!

See yawl tomorrow..........................

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Gratitude for 2-23-13 and Happily Crafting

"Today I am grateful for good friends putting together and bringing me my co-op order and for my sweet kitty enjoying what I crocheted for him!"
I crocheted a 12 by 17 inch sleeping mat and put it in a box I got from my local co-op. Today I added denim to the sides and added his name in buttons to the side of it. 
I crocheted him a red 12 by 17 inch sleeping mat, and placed it inside the box which I have covered the sides with denim fabric and sewed on his name in buttons which I have a kazillion of. He likes it, so I am happy with it. I learned a lot and for my first one I don't think it turned out to badly. 
  I received my co-op goodies, lots of fresh fruit and veggies plus some other items I ordered. One of my girlfriends brought it to me because there is still a lot of slippery places and I don't get out in snow and ice. I can't risk a fall so I stay inside. I am so grateful to my girlfriend who brought me my goodies!! She was on a tight schedule, so she couldn't stay. She's one busy lady!!
 Making my kitty his bed and him actually using it contributes to me feeling good about myself and I just love that feeling. I look at the picture of my kitty and I think: Wow! I actually made that! Very cool!! 

Friday, February 22, 2013

Gratitude for 2-22-13 and Thursday Thoughts....

"Today I am grateful that I do not have to get out in the snowy and icy mess that is outside!! I am grateful that Smudge and I are nice and warm inside our apartment!! I am grateful for the power that stayed on yesterday. I am grateful for what I got done yesterday and I am grateful for what I will get done today"!!

And I am back to 240 pounds. Those 8 pounds I had lost, I packed them back on last night. I have got to get something sweet I can have with all the sugar calories.  My therapist tells me that sugar is addicting! I need to addict myself out of that cos this is not working for me!

Anyway, we got a messy wintery mix yesterday and I was very anxious about the power going out and the possibility of being without power for several days like I hear about in the news. I have been 3 days without power before and managed but I was very anxious about this yesterday. But guess what, the power flickered twice and the 3rd time it went off it was off for about 15 minutes. Outside of that, it stayed on and I struggled with trying to remain positive about it. Not being able to shower, have hot food, get to co-op tomorrow, church on Sunday and the meal we are sharing afterwards.

By the way, do you co-op?  Here is a link to the one I use:

Community Co-op 

It is wonderful, great prices and great foods and I get to get out and be around others which benefits me to now end. I can't recommend it enough!!

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Gratitude for 2-21-13 and Anxious Eating

"Today I am grateful for my electricity and my heat cos I know that even if it goes out, it will be back on!! I am grateful for the food Smudge and I have in our little home and all we have to drink! I am grateful for ALL the projects I get to work on that improve the quality of my life".
 I live in the Missouri Ozarks in SE Missouri and there is a big fat storm coming and they are calling for ice for my area. So, if i don't post for a few days, that would be why, LOL
 I am anxious about the weather so I am snarfing cake which is not smart, but there you have it. I am an emotional eater. I know that is an excuse and not a solid reason. I know that if I worked on it, I would be able to make better food choices and even force myself to sit down and journal it to get through it rather than cave to eating comfort food. Rather than looking the other times I have lived through this kind of weather times before ( twice that I can remember) but I have psychotherapy on Friday, co-op on Saturday and church and a meal at church afterwards so I really do NOT want to lose power under any circumstances!! I am sure that my neighbours all feel the same way.
  I have plenty of food, water, warm clothes, kitty litter, kitty food, projects to do if power does go out and my silly pooter kitty to keep me warm! I have survived much worse, I can survive this!!

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Gratitude for 2-19-13 and Working on not needing to fix others

"Today I am grateful for the fact that yesterday I was able to get my kitchen as cleaned as I could, it is looking good, I am thrilled about it. I was really tired but I got it done and I am not feeling as tired as I thought I might be. I am also grateful for all the friendships I have in my life today. It is such a blessing having friends who I can just be myself around and we have wonderful times! I love all my friends, near and far!! I am grateful for my phone and that I get to actually talk to my friends, near AND far"!!!!!

 I have a tendency to over function and to try to fix others. I recognize this about myself and I am working on not doing that. I only have to be responsible for me and no one else. In reality, if I solve someone else's problem for them, I am not doing them any favours. I want to solve my own problems to the best of my ability and I would actually resent someone coming into my life and trying to take it over. I am capable of developing the skills I need to problem solve, just as much as the next person is and I have no right to deprive anyone of that. It is an important and extremely useful tool to have and will improve the quality of anyone's life, I believe.

I tend to over function and to try to fix others because of lacking coping skills within myself. I have to learn to listen to my friends when they need to vent and encourage them, not try to tell them how to solve their problem because that is not my place in life!!  It is their's !!

Monday, February 18, 2013

Gratitude for 2-18-13 and Monday Musings...

"Today I am grateful for being creative. I love being creative just about more than anything I get to do! Thank you, God, for making me creative!! I am also grateful for all the free time I have on my hands and that I get the time to develop my creativity further. I am also grateful to have discovered crafts and to be able to enjoy the crafts I love! "

 I  am in the process of fixing up my little home and I am loving every bit of it. My appetite seems to be less than it was. I am eating more veggies that I got from my local co-op. Lots of cabbage and kale, just simply heated in a little water and I am good to go.

I am not craving sweets like I usually do and that is HUGE good news!! I gained 10 pounds but have lost about 6 of that. Just want to keep losing all this excess weight. Carrying around 244 pounds is hard on a 5'3" frame.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Gratitude for 2-17-13 Sunday and the Importance of My Personal Space

"Today I am grateful for my church I get to go to. I have met some lovely people there and am grateful that they all act so very down to earth! I am grateful for my friends who get me there and back home again!"
 I live in a small town up in the Missouri Ozark Mountains. I moved here several years ago after living in St. Louis for around 30 years. I never knew I was a small town girl at heart. i love it up here, it is very nice, people are friendly and I enjoy my quiet lifestyle.
I really have much to be grateful for and that brings me a lot of peace! I don't feel as frantic as I used to.
I am enjoying fixing up my personal space. I am still amazed at the difference fixing up my bathroom has had over me.It is MY bathroom in MY apartment that I rent and I can fix it up pretty much however I want to, within logical reason since I rent. But that still allows me a LOT of leeway!!!
How do you have your personal space set up?

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Gratitude for today 2-16-13 and working on me.

"Today I am grateful for my psychotherapist, Sandra McIntosh, and for how far I have come working on me with her insight and feedback. I am grateful for the ability I have to see what I need to be aware of and work on and to be able to see what I am good at and develop that further. I am grateful for all the qualities I have, good and bad, because they make me who I am today."

One of my flaws I have worked out is that when I would get jewellery orders, I procrastinated on getting them completed. I see now that this was very selfish of me to do and I know it put my friends and customers in a very bad place.  I would take up to a year to get some orders filled. I felt jealousy towards these people, I saw their lives as better than mine and I would not fill their orders as I should have.

I believe that I have worked through those issues and now when I get orders, I am ON them and I get them out as best I can. I am very detail oriented and I make sure I get them done correctly to my satisfaction and I get them sent off.

I am much happier this way and I see avenues to get my own personal needs met and I am working through my own issues of need and how I can get those needs met. My therapist has been a total Godsend for me! Together, we are a team and I have come a very long way with her feedback, guidance and input. 

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Gratitude for Today 2-14-13 and Some Thoughts

"Today I am grateful for the friendship I have with one of my in person girlfriends, as opposed to my online gf's, LOL who lives just about a block and a half from me. She is a true inspiration to me and I am grateful also that by being around her and her family, I get to see in person how a loving family accepts and interacts with each other and how closely knit they are. They truly warm my heart!! I am also grateful that I can walk to her house and back and that I have the appropriate clothing to do this comfortably. I am also grateful for the friendship I have with another in person girlfriend who also is an online girlfriend, Donna and her hubby, Ed and also for the lovely furniture they brought me yesterday! I am just tickled pink with both pieces!! As a surprise for me, Donna painted the table in the sweetest shade of green for me! I now have a dresser I really need and a kitchen table which I also needed!! Donna and Ed make a great team and I benefit from seeing them in action!!"

Well, it is Valentine's Day and I don't feel as lonely as I have in past years.  That is a big deal for me!! Usually I have dreaded Valentine's as a single woman but this year I am ok with it and hopeful about future Valentine's Days.

How are you spending yours? I would love to hear back about what you are doing today!!


Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Not Craving Sweets Like I Usually Do + Gratitude for Today

My Gratitude for Today 2-13-13:

"Today I am grateful for that I have all my limbs and that they all work. I am grateful for my fingers and my toes. I am grateful that for all the body parts I have and that they work as best they can. I am grateful that I do not have any terminal health problems. I am grateful that I can see, hear, touch, taste and smell and that I feel hunger which I can satisfy. I am grateful for all my toenails and fingernails. I am grateful for my full head of hair and that I only have a couple of grey hairs on my head, LOL"

 And it is kinda weird for me. Actually it is VERY weird for me and I believe it is tied to the daily gratitude I write out and fixing up my bathroom with my own personal handcrafted touches. I have also dropped several pounds which I AWESOME!!! I almost don't know what to do with myself about it. I have sweets I can put together but I am not interested in them at all. I even left Walmart yesterday without buying any sweets at all and that is very odd for me to not be drawn to frozen ice cream and pies. I almost ALWAYS come home with very fattening sweets that I do not need.

I will adjust, I need to lose the weight and it is nice dropping weight and also to not be tied up in knots craving sweets like I usually do!

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Gratitude for 2-12-13

Today I am grateful for the impact I feel that fixing up my apartment has on me. I am grateful for this sunny cool day that is on the way. I am grateful for using my mouse left-handed to give my right hand a break and how much better my right hand and arm feels because of that. I am grateful for all the food I have in my kitchen and I am grateful that I have a street address and can receive mail.

Yesterday, I felt like crying and I felt good and grateful for what I have. I know that I will never run out of what I can be grateful for!