Saturday, November 10, 2012

What Does Overeating Represent to Me?

How is my life different from when I was thinner versus my life when I have been and am again overweight?

My weight my buffer to the outside world. When I am heavier, I don't get hit on by men which is a behavior I don't handle assertively, it terrifies me for some reason. Prolly cos my ex-husband and boyfriends I have had over the years were either controlling and or abusive and that in of itself is another huge issue I have.

When I am heavier, most guys leave me alone and I can tell myself that I can separate the men who I think are only interested in women with looks versus liking women for their personality. How twisted is that rationale?

Being overweight is unhealthy, to say the very least. This is one of my destructive behaviors that I engage in. I don't smoke, I don't drink not anymore at least. I was an alcoholic for almost 30 years of my life, this November 16th, I will have 5 years of sobriety. Solid, clean sobriety.

I can't quit eating, I have to eat, but I am making very poor choices in what I eat. I am almost gaining weight on purpose. I did my laundry yesterday which means I had to carry my laundry basket to my apartment complex laundra-mat. Not only did my back hurt a lot but I was huffing and puffing to get there. It was a real struggle for me going and bringing my laundry back. When I don't have excess weight, I get around easier, my knees don't hurt as much, my back doesn't hurt as much, my breathing is easier.

Why on earth would I purposely chose to engage in a behavior that could kill me?

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