Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Anxiety Over Making Money

I have a craft business and I am working on adding pieces to my site, Facebook, etc...Pinterest, the social media sites I am using to promote my business. And I am eating almost non-stop through this process!!

I am disabled and have been for several years. I would love nothing more than to be able to get OFF disability and support myself through my craft business. Realistic? Who knows??  But what I do know is that I am very anxious about earning money for some reason. Afraid of criticism? Oh, yeah. Afraid someone will ask for something I can't produce? Yep on that one too.

I can't let these fears rule my life or I will miss out on what I yearn for the most.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Ballooning Weight

My weight has ballooned to 230 pounds!  I am only 5'3" tall, I am morbidly obese.

I have to take a serious look at my emotional life and get to work on repairing it as best I can.
Recognizing that I eat to compensate for the emotions that are lacking in my life isn't enough. I have to figure out what the emotions are and how to address them directly and get them met in a healthy manner.

I reward myself with food and I eat whatever I want to. I am not miserable being over weight, but it is getting to be harder to get around. So being miserable is not far off unless I get this extra weight off instead of gaining more. I am overweight, I get anxious about that so I eat more to pacify my anxiety. Talk about vicious circle.

I know that sitting glued to this computer every waking minute of my day yearning for attention from others won't help me get my emotional needs met!

I want fullfillment and I don't think I have to travel millions of miles to get it. I think that gaining fullfillment can be achieved by helping others.

What can I do that would help someone out and contribute to me feeling better about myself?

Saturday, November 10, 2012

What Does Overeating Represent to Me?

How is my life different from when I was thinner versus my life when I have been and am again overweight?

My weight my buffer to the outside world. When I am heavier, I don't get hit on by men which is a behavior I don't handle assertively, it terrifies me for some reason. Prolly cos my ex-husband and boyfriends I have had over the years were either controlling and or abusive and that in of itself is another huge issue I have.

When I am heavier, most guys leave me alone and I can tell myself that I can separate the men who I think are only interested in women with looks versus liking women for their personality. How twisted is that rationale?

Being overweight is unhealthy, to say the very least. This is one of my destructive behaviors that I engage in. I don't smoke, I don't drink not anymore at least. I was an alcoholic for almost 30 years of my life, this November 16th, I will have 5 years of sobriety. Solid, clean sobriety.

I can't quit eating, I have to eat, but I am making very poor choices in what I eat. I am almost gaining weight on purpose. I did my laundry yesterday which means I had to carry my laundry basket to my apartment complex laundra-mat. Not only did my back hurt a lot but I was huffing and puffing to get there. It was a real struggle for me going and bringing my laundry back. When I don't have excess weight, I get around easier, my knees don't hurt as much, my back doesn't hurt as much, my breathing is easier.

Why on earth would I purposely chose to engage in a behavior that could kill me?

If you want to email me, please feel free to do so:

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Why Do I Crave Sweets??

This just hit me this morning. I LOVE sweets!! I crave sweets and when I gain weight, it is mostly do to sweets. Cakes, ice cream, candy bars....I realized this morning that to me, sweets represent prosperity. They are extras, not the absolute necessary in a food budget and to me, if I can afford sweets, then I am ok and not lonely, desperate for companions ship which is more the truth for me.

If you want to talk with me about this, please email me at either email address, just know that I am NOT a professional therapist, but I can listen and offer you encouragement.

Give me a heads up please, cos I usually delete items in my spam folder without opening them up.